Everybody’s a Therapist

(The following was my Quora response ( one among many by others)  to a 26 YO woman who was in distress over her relationship)

As you can see, everybody’s a therapist. Or thinks they are.

First to reassure you, it’s very likely your emotions are within normal limits.

Amateurs’ support can be helpful, many people will have had similar experiences and can offer useful advice to some degree, and normalize your experiences ( “I went through something like that.”)

They will tend to offer their opinions as to what you should do with the best of intentions, whereas with something like a busted automatic transmission they would tell you to go to someone professional, which is what I recommend in your case.
That doesn’t mean that, say, a person happily married for 30 years will have no valuable experience to share. But it will be their experience, reflecting their personality and needs, so it may apply to a lesser or greater degree to your situation.This sounds like an important issue to you– I’d recommend first accepting you can’t always do everything yourself.

1) You’re anxious, you should get yourself a good, full physical from a qualified medical doctor or nurse practitioner. There are lots of metabolic problems that manifest as psych symptoms.

2) Find a therapist that has taken the trouble to get some additional certification besides their psychologist, social work, or psychiatry license.

But pick a sub-specialty that’s a accepted traditional one. Reiki therapy doesn’t count.
Could be a post doc in cognitive therapy, or something really deep like a Jungian analyst. These are my favorites ( I almost became one) because they have to get analyzed themselves and are less likely to have some unconscious agenda like extreme feminism, or its opposite, misogyny.

To find one of those google jungian analyst <your city>.

The sour note that stands out is your rather casual declaration that your ex was a “dick”.

So why did you pick him? It’s normal to pick charming shallow guys who hit on a lot of women when you’re naive, because they make the first move more often. With more women.

My impression is Freud described something like the repetition compulsion, which is that people repeat unhealthy patterns of behavior because it’s the only pattern they know.

Many women go through jerk boys who are inconsiderate and promiscuous hoping to change them into the nice guy who isn’t as exciting.

Also contrary to some feminist propaganda, your fertility is just about starting to decline, and the risk of Down’s syndrome is already rising although it is low. I don’t mention that to be alarmist, but just to help you stay connected to reality. Don’t believe equalist bullshit, men’s and women’s bio clocks are very different in case you want to have kids. It’s unfair but don’t blame me– blame evolution.

One last tip: Education is a great screening tool for mates, because it shows :
1) The willingness to learn, to accept someone else is smarter and to do what they are told by someone smarter.
2) The ability to learn, the raw intellect to absorb the information.

I’m not saying everyone has to go to a lot of formal schooling, but when you deal with someone with a 4 years degree you get the benefit of a large data sample across a relatively long period of time.

They were willing to show up, keep their mouth shut when they needed to, were healthy enough to get to class, and smart enough to absorb info and pass the tests– for several years.

Maybe better than falling for a crooked smile and nice jawline, but it’s your life.

This answer will also be posted at my blog beyondrepill.

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A Pattern of Celestial Peace

Is marriage a good idea– in general?

Marriage rates have been falling in the USA, probably due to feminism in past decades and more recently due to “red pill” disillusionment with a Pollyannish view of women.

Shakespeare, who I consider quite possibly the smartest person who ever lived, referred to “Marriage.. a pattern of celestial peace.” I take this to mean that a good marriage, is the framework from which to find the most exquisite contentment in life.

Schopenaeuer’s essay on women is sympathetic to them,  but largely dismissive of the ability of women to create works, one might say, of “genius.”

Camille Paglia is quoted as saying the a similar thing– that no woman women has emerged as a Hitler for the same reason no female Beethoven has emerged.

I personally think Joni Mitchell had something pretty close to genius, but there are far more influential and renowned artists, scientists–and mass murderers– that are/were men. But the point of my pursuits is not to debate the reasons why things are as they are– for instance women hold less than 8 per cent of patents in the USA, or that all the mass murderers of the 20th century were male–but how do we deal with things the way they are now in a positive and mutually supportive way.

Even just pointing out the “genius deficit” in women could be considered argumentative and unproductive. Why exactly should I discuss that, and not their “murderer deficit“? Women commit only about 15% of murders in the USA. And there is the little matter that there’d be no men for women to “abuse” if a woman hadn’t grown the man in the first place.

Let’s imagine a thought experiment: Men can clone themselves in labs, without any involvement from women. In this scenario you could be a  Red Pill cad. associating with women only as entertainment, without financially subsidizing them.

Imagine the life of that cloned man. One obvious outcome is that he wouldn’t have a mother.

For me, that alone would make this whole idea insane.

Isn’t it more productive to be in the here and now with the women we associate with, and try to find the best life we can together?

That doesn’t mean I’m going to toe an equalist line if someone pushes me, but I have to ask myself is it productive to actively hammer on the deficiencies of women when the drawbacks of men include murdering others at a much higher rate?

I believe Sun Tzu said something like” When things come to war, both side lose.” I agree with that.

But I believe there’s a difference between being diplomatic -which is NOT equivalent to toadying, it’s being conciliatory to degree bother sides get the most important things– being pro-equal opportunity, and absolute , dogmatic equivalency.

Extreme feminism ( beyond equality to preferential treatment for women) as well as a harsh “Red Pill Realism” (dismissing women as inherently less valuable than men) are both antagonistic and counter-productive in most situations.

Now that I’m done being mad about extremist “feminism”,  I want to take posit a view of women and marriage modeled on the joyful, pleasant life my father and mother had in their forty year plus marriage.

“It’s a wonderful life, if you find the right woman.” my father said to me.

He was first married to a nit-picking harridan, divorced her and then married my humble, funny and kind mother; who was also valedictorian of her high school class, although she discounted it by saying she didn’t take the hardest courses.

The King James Christian bible is sometimes so poetic I can’t resist stealing, even if the cosmology is a little juvenile, great poetry never dies.

So 2500, years ago, and 2000 years ago, and 500 years ago, and 80 years ago,  wise men have agreed: A good marriage is a wonderful source of happiness for a man.

Now, punitive feminists and overly critical Red Pillers are informing us that now marriage is obsolete, each side claiming it’s because the other one is suddenly more corrupted and evil than they ever were.

So we are believe the musings of the last 40 years over that of the last 2500?

Now if you were talking about the fabrication of integrated circuits, I’d say you should believe the new knowledge about it.  It’s man made technology and changes fast. About human nature and the basic everyday relationships that make us happy- no.

But if you are going to get married, make sure it’s a good one– Men avoid void bar girls and angry feminists; women avoid drunks and violent guys without jobs.

Here are some quotes I found, along with a link to a great writer who is not as well known today, Maxwell Anderson. 

King James Bible ( About 2000 years ago) 

She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.

Shakespeare ( About 500 years ago.) 

“Thou art sad; get thee a wife, get thee a wife!”
(Much Ado About Nothing 5.4.126)

But Shakespeare warns about marriage to an unsuitable woman ( translate to colloquial “spoiled, entitled bitch”)

“For what is wedlock forced but a hell,
An age of discord and continual strife?
Whereas the contrary bringeth bliss,
And is a pattern of celestial peace.”
(1 Henry VI 5.5.63-6)

Maxwell Anderson.  ( About 100 years ago) 

“If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods
Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so.”

~Maxwell Anderson

My Mother ( about 50 years ago.)

“You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”

Now, extreme critics of both men and women are telling you that they are smarter than all these very smart people, from very different ages, and you should not trust “the other”.  None of their writing–by definition– has stood the test of time.

Shakespeare makes sure to warn of the caveats, but he still holds out hope.

Some people are best off as loners, but not most. Most of you are really much the same as people have been  for millennia, except you have more technical knowledge floating around in your hear, and hopefully are going to live longer.

It’s simplistic to reduce things to a “pill” that when taken fixes things. Fixing things takes work, and a knowledge of how the particular thing is supposed to work. The argument behind Red Pill is you can simply find out the bad things, become cynical, and then you’ll be able to approach the world with more savvy. Maybe true, but are you then in a state of bad faith?

My idea is you’ll do better in life emotionally and materially and with someone loyal and true to you at your side.

This, in an admitted oversimplification in the age of glib sound bites, is my nascent idea of the White Pill.

The Dawn of White Pill

When I was in graduate school, I noted the anger of the women with whom I was attending.

There was a time when it was understandable, unavoidable really for women to be angry with their position in the world.

In some places there still is, for instance Saudi Arabia. I will come down squarely on the side that SA needs more women’s lib- not for the women’s sakes but for the country as a whole. If women can’t drive, how can the use of their intelligence be maximized for the ones who can and would become doctors, nurses and the like?

In other places, such as the United States, the pendulum has swung from a point were women were unfairly discriminated against ( no vote, no admission to professional schools) to the point where in at least some areas of society, they have it significantly easier than men, and in some cases such as the horror stories one hears from Family Court, men are actively persecuted with irrational unfair, and in my not qualified opinion unconstitutional phenomenon such as “imputed income.”

The point is not really the specific political facets of each environment, but to understand that history and political change is a process, and the pendulum swings back and forth.

In Czarist Russia, I’ve heard there were towns where all the able bodied men were conscripted for life-for life!- in the Czar’s army. I haven’t researched the exact veracity of this ( help welcome), but if that was true, one could easily see that this type of autocratic abuse could foment a revolution.

But then when the revolution comes, what then? It ended up with Stalinism, and on one of my trips to Russia my guide told me at the feet of a statue of Lenin, “They killed all our most intelligent people.”

If that is one half true, think of the burden for generations on that country.

So socio-political consciousness changes, political realities change as a result, and there is a continual swinging back-and-forth of circumstances as one side of a power struggle is ascendent, and the the other, and so forth.
Fairness is an abstraction, not a real thing, and it floats in between the poles of each conflict.

Fairness exists in reality only when a temporary and usually fleeting balance point is reached in the endless power struggle of life.

At all points in power struggles, the “other side” is vilified as a tactic, and productive cooperation between groups that might both benefit is prevented, delayed and sometimes subject to long-term destruction.
As an example of that, there are few Jews in Germany today, and who knows how long until the benefits of their presence there is felt again. And likewise the loss of the presence of Christians in certain parts of the middle east.

(I like to take an aggressive and proactive approach to the retrograde elements of “red pill” thinking, such as racism and ethnic prejudice. Judge behavior, not a person’s membership in a group. If millennia of brutal violent hatred and death doesn’t show you narrowness doesn’t pay, I’m certainly not going to convince you.)

Also retrograde is mutual blaming and dismissive judgments of the sexes by each other.

It’s true consciousness raising, both earlier among feminists and more lately among MRA and manosphere thinkers, is a necessary stage for a group to understand that some things are stacked against them.

But as I opined to my virulently angry grad school female student peers:

Anger is a stage one should get through before moving on to something more productive.

So I set my sights on the possibility of the mutual adoration  that has peered out from the arts and society thought history.

I have been to the mountaintop of love, and this experience has great meaning, regardless of the fact that one’s legs are sore the day after descending.  If you don’t like the price, you don’t have to buy it, but arguing that it’s only a disease– as some have used the term “oneitis”–doesn’t seem accurate to me.

So let’s on to the metaphysical poet Andrew Marvell,  1621-1678, who lives on.

To His Coy Mistress ( Excerpt)

BY ANDREW MARVELL

[…]
But at my back I always hear
Time’s wingèd chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found;
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song;
[…]
The grave’s a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.
Andrew Marvell reminds us: There is a limited time to love, to be angry, to do anything.
What is the more pleasant state to be in?

So we might as well fall in love.

Welcome to Beyond Red Pill Services

If you croaked today, what grade would you give your life?

You’ve probably arrived here because I decided to use the term “Red Pill” in marketing my life coaching services.

People write and ask me what I do, what is my process. Since you and your environment are a combination different from any that’s come before, I can only offer a very general outline.

My impression is many people see “Red Pill” thinking as a sort of goal, a thing that once achieved allows one to act effectively. I see “Red Pill” as simply a form of disillusionment with inaccurate ideas and ideologies.

It’s just a start on you achieving what you need to in life so you won’t later feel it was a waste.

Then comes the real work.

Recognizing your talents and weaknesses, and the appropriate related life goals; maybe with the help of a professional like me.
Clarifying and codifying all that in writing. On paper, with a physical pencil is best.
Objectively planning small achievable steps to make all that real.

Creating a positive feedback loop that allows you to adjust your environment so as to further develop your talents, which then allows you to improve your environment….et cetera.

Who am I? In California, I’m a psychologist in late middle age who’s been licensed for about ten years and has seen thousands of patients. I’ve traveled in Europe, FSU, Asia, and the US, worked in the tech sector for Hertz, Eli Lilly, Cargill, and 3M. I’ve worked as a professional musician, dated the homecoming queen, rode the Death Ride in the California mountains, and stumbled around late at night drunk under a frozen Ukrainian moon and wrote a song about it. If I croaked today, I’d give myself a B minus, but I still haven’t taken the final exam.